2.11.2004
Reply to the Mair story
For lack of a better place to post this (since I don't know if anyone would still see it on SLWriters)...Alyssa, I read your Mair story and jotted down some notes in a Notepad document. I finally finished translating those notes to understandable suggestions, which I'm posting here. (Obviously.)
I couldn't help noticing that you sometimes switched between the names Melinda Moral and Mair for the main character. Um...what's with that? I saw in the list of characters that "Melinda"'s nickname was Mair, but it still doesn't make much sense. As far as I'm concerned, her name's Mair. That's what she's almost always called (and it sounds like more of a fantasy name, which is definitely good). Actually, for names in general...this is a fantasy story, with places, things, and languages that don't really exist. Therefore, the names should be fantasy--in other words, not from Earth--as well. Example: David and Thomas are Earth names. Not only that, but they come from the Bible (and then from Hebrew or a related language). These are Midenian people, not Earth (or Hebrew, for that matter) people, so give them Midenian names. Mair and Siarl are okay this way, I think, because they're Welsh and they sound fantasy (although you might consider changing them a bit too--behindthename.com says to pronounce them Mier and Sharl, so you could use that), but anything recognizable as an Earth name should probably go.
As for the curse, it's good, but tears are necessary to keep our eyes healthy; Mair might well have gone blind a long time ago if she truly had no tears. You might want to allow for that--say the tears can't leave her eyes, or something. Actually, the way the curse was dealt with struck me as a little bit odd...she seems to know she's cursed, because she knows she can't cry and she doesn't find this extraordinarily strange. What exactly does she know about it?
The first paragraph of chapter 1 presents necessary information, but it feels too...explanatory. You could write one of these typical scenes between Mair and a boy instead of just talking about them--that would give readers the same information, but it would be more interesting.
I liked Aston saying exactly what Mair thought he would--that was funny.
"[The songs] were her tears"--very good line, even if you didn't write it. :o) As for a place, it might go better if you wrote the scene I suggested and insert it there.
"On the topic of war Relina could never be trusted"--maybe instead "Mair could never trust Relina to show any sense on the topic of war."
"Perhaps if they had known this would be their last meeting together, they would have been more reluctant to part." Okay...one thing that really gets me in books is foreshadowing that's too obvious. This sentence all but stands up and screams at us to pay attention because something Big and Important is going to happen next. That is...not a good thing. Foreshadowing should be much more subtle--enough to give us a hint of things to come, but maybe not enough to let us know what's going to happen. Part of the problem is that a sentence like this takes us out of Mair's point of view--because, after all, she doesn't know that anything's going to happen--and throws us into an eye-in-the-sky point of view, which is generally considered bad even if you haven't switched midscene. If I were to rewrite it, I'd probably just have Mair feel uneasy for no particular reason--she could get the odd feeling that she's never going to see Relina again, and she doesn't know why.
Speaking of switching point-of-view...I'm seeing that several times in here, where the POV (point of view) switches within a scene. I believe this is called omniscient POV (or omni), which is--as I said--generally considered bad. It's definitely not wrong to go inside different character's minds; but don't do it within a scene. The excerpt of A Star Shines that Jolene posted here is a very good example of this, actually--notice she put breaks in when she switched between Aragorn's and Arwen's POVs? That's a good thing to do. Now, with yours, I suspect you'll rarely go inside anyone but Mair and Siarl. You can separate your scenes between those two easy enough; Folant and the dragon, since you briefly went inside them, is a bit more troublesome. You could just do the Siarl scene from Folant's POV, because we mostly see his thoughts and feelings there; earlier, though, it's just a short thought: "So this one believes? That is good. Maybe he will help Siarl in a way I could not..." My only idea here is that you could have Folant murmur it under his breath instead, and Mair thinks she hears him say it but isn't sure. On the other hand, it's unlikely she really would hear it. So...I'm not really sure what you should do there, just that you shouldn't switch your POV. For the dragon, you could have Mair imagine what he's thinking, or--again--actually make a short switch. I might write it this way:
As for the problem of Drog leaving, have her hear him fly away while she's running--it terrifies her all the more, wondering whether he'll swoop down on her from behind, and she only starts to relax when she gets into the woods. There, looking up through the trees, she could see him fly out of sight.
I don't know if the motive for the hair-cutting bit should really come because of Aston--maybe you could have that come as soon as she finds the sword (she has a sword, but she won't be accepted into the army if they know she's female). She could look at her reflection then in the sword and remember that it's dull, and then she would think of going to Aston and figure he won't recognize her now. As for the actually sentence, I'd say "She could not go to war with hair so long it could brush her waist--Midenian boys never wore their hair to that length." That's not great, though.
Please don't switch to "Andras" and "he". It's just too disconcerting. After all, you're still writing from Mair's POV, and to her, she's certainly still a girl. From everyone else's POV of course she would be Andras and he, but from her own, keep it to Mair.
"Andras jogged out of the remains of his house and down the small winding road to the town, which he reached just as the sun disappeared." If you want to slow it down, have her sneak out of the house, watching for the dragon, forcing herself not to look back.
I think there should be more reason for her dislike of Aston--I like him, I wouldn't be upset if she ended up with him, so why is she? Also, she should plan ahead more so he won't guess who she is. His guessing is fine; she just should have planned better because she seems smarter than that. I'm not entirely sure either why she told him the whole truth, either, so you might want to put in more reason for her doing it.
You want to make a chapter about Mair's night in the woods...it wouldn't have to be a whole chapter. You could just make it a somewhat extended scene at the end of chapter 1, or refer to it near the beginning of chapter 2.
"He had slept well, as well as an excited young person who had gotten their house burned down, met a dragon, made a dission that would change their life and was sleeping outside for the first time could." I don't know. I sure wouldn't sleep well in the same circumstances, and Mair doesn't strike me as someone who can just forget either, despite the narrator's comments to the contrary in the first chapter (which also seem to go against Mair's real personality as we've seen it). Also--why did she say she was from Lennu? Has she been there? If she hasn't, she might run into someone who has and get caught in her lie. And please, tell us what "seven sicurs" mean. I inferred from the first chapter that Mair's about my age, since her friends are all married, but we don't know for sure, and if you're going to use a different numbering of years, you should probably tell your readers. Actually, it'd be nice to know for sure how old they all are...Siarl seems too young for the army, actually.
Different spelling of Linenie...depends on how it's pronounced. You could do Lineni or Linneni.
What's the stuff with the Sea Longing? Will it be important later on? The description of it is very good, but if it's not important to the plot (or to making the world more believable), you might want to cut it.
The tickling fight and Jaethes' teasing of Siarl was quite funny... You should probably refer to Jaethes by his last name, though. That just feels more...realistic.
Okay, the Erwan scene. I'm not really sure why Mair got so freaked out...I would assume she's met nasty people before. Maybe she hasn't, but if that's the case, you should probably make that clear. Also, those insults...this is fantasy, and the country in which it takes place has its own language. Therefore, make up some bad swear words that don't mean anything in our language and let your characters use them as they will. Or don't even use swear words--use some kind of real insult that readers will understand, like...well...instead of "Angaistie, Siarl!" Erwan could say "The Dragons take you, Siarl!" or something. And instead of saying "beloge" to Mair, he could really tell her "Helkith nothing! Go and die for all I care!"
Why is Siarl so antagonistic to Latures Onu? It doesn't really make sense. He must have a better reason than "I'm not made for your god"--that just doesn't hold up. He seems bitter, so that would work fine--something bad has happened to him and he blames Latures Onu, so let that be the reason. If he's only saying he's not made for this god because he doesn't want to admit the real reason, that's fine; you'll just need to make that clear later.
Well, anyway...I did like what you have so far. It seems like a good story...
I couldn't help noticing that you sometimes switched between the names Melinda Moral and Mair for the main character. Um...what's with that? I saw in the list of characters that "Melinda"'s nickname was Mair, but it still doesn't make much sense. As far as I'm concerned, her name's Mair. That's what she's almost always called (and it sounds like more of a fantasy name, which is definitely good). Actually, for names in general...this is a fantasy story, with places, things, and languages that don't really exist. Therefore, the names should be fantasy--in other words, not from Earth--as well. Example: David and Thomas are Earth names. Not only that, but they come from the Bible (and then from Hebrew or a related language). These are Midenian people, not Earth (or Hebrew, for that matter) people, so give them Midenian names. Mair and Siarl are okay this way, I think, because they're Welsh and they sound fantasy (although you might consider changing them a bit too--behindthename.com says to pronounce them Mier and Sharl, so you could use that), but anything recognizable as an Earth name should probably go.
As for the curse, it's good, but tears are necessary to keep our eyes healthy; Mair might well have gone blind a long time ago if she truly had no tears. You might want to allow for that--say the tears can't leave her eyes, or something. Actually, the way the curse was dealt with struck me as a little bit odd...she seems to know she's cursed, because she knows she can't cry and she doesn't find this extraordinarily strange. What exactly does she know about it?
The first paragraph of chapter 1 presents necessary information, but it feels too...explanatory. You could write one of these typical scenes between Mair and a boy instead of just talking about them--that would give readers the same information, but it would be more interesting.
I liked Aston saying exactly what Mair thought he would--that was funny.
"[The songs] were her tears"--very good line, even if you didn't write it. :o) As for a place, it might go better if you wrote the scene I suggested and insert it there.
"On the topic of war Relina could never be trusted"--maybe instead "Mair could never trust Relina to show any sense on the topic of war."
"Perhaps if they had known this would be their last meeting together, they would have been more reluctant to part." Okay...one thing that really gets me in books is foreshadowing that's too obvious. This sentence all but stands up and screams at us to pay attention because something Big and Important is going to happen next. That is...not a good thing. Foreshadowing should be much more subtle--enough to give us a hint of things to come, but maybe not enough to let us know what's going to happen. Part of the problem is that a sentence like this takes us out of Mair's point of view--because, after all, she doesn't know that anything's going to happen--and throws us into an eye-in-the-sky point of view, which is generally considered bad even if you haven't switched midscene. If I were to rewrite it, I'd probably just have Mair feel uneasy for no particular reason--she could get the odd feeling that she's never going to see Relina again, and she doesn't know why.
Speaking of switching point-of-view...I'm seeing that several times in here, where the POV (point of view) switches within a scene. I believe this is called omniscient POV (or omni), which is--as I said--generally considered bad. It's definitely not wrong to go inside different character's minds; but don't do it within a scene. The excerpt of A Star Shines that Jolene posted here is a very good example of this, actually--notice she put breaks in when she switched between Aragorn's and Arwen's POVs? That's a good thing to do. Now, with yours, I suspect you'll rarely go inside anyone but Mair and Siarl. You can separate your scenes between those two easy enough; Folant and the dragon, since you briefly went inside them, is a bit more troublesome. You could just do the Siarl scene from Folant's POV, because we mostly see his thoughts and feelings there; earlier, though, it's just a short thought: "So this one believes? That is good. Maybe he will help Siarl in a way I could not..." My only idea here is that you could have Folant murmur it under his breath instead, and Mair thinks she hears him say it but isn't sure. On the other hand, it's unlikely she really would hear it. So...I'm not really sure what you should do there, just that you shouldn't switch your POV. For the dragon, you could have Mair imagine what he's thinking, or--again--actually make a short switch. I might write it this way:
...He knew it all.And so on.Suddenly Mair saw herself through the dragon's eyes: too smoked and scrawny to make a good meal, and unable to cry from any pain or sorrow he might inflict...but what fun he might have with her before he left! His eyes gleamed, and Mair gasped out, "Where is my melluh?"
As for the problem of Drog leaving, have her hear him fly away while she's running--it terrifies her all the more, wondering whether he'll swoop down on her from behind, and she only starts to relax when she gets into the woods. There, looking up through the trees, she could see him fly out of sight.
I don't know if the motive for the hair-cutting bit should really come because of Aston--maybe you could have that come as soon as she finds the sword (she has a sword, but she won't be accepted into the army if they know she's female). She could look at her reflection then in the sword and remember that it's dull, and then she would think of going to Aston and figure he won't recognize her now. As for the actually sentence, I'd say "She could not go to war with hair so long it could brush her waist--Midenian boys never wore their hair to that length." That's not great, though.
Please don't switch to "Andras" and "he". It's just too disconcerting. After all, you're still writing from Mair's POV, and to her, she's certainly still a girl. From everyone else's POV of course she would be Andras and he, but from her own, keep it to Mair.
"Andras jogged out of the remains of his house and down the small winding road to the town, which he reached just as the sun disappeared." If you want to slow it down, have her sneak out of the house, watching for the dragon, forcing herself not to look back.
I think there should be more reason for her dislike of Aston--I like him, I wouldn't be upset if she ended up with him, so why is she? Also, she should plan ahead more so he won't guess who she is. His guessing is fine; she just should have planned better because she seems smarter than that. I'm not entirely sure either why she told him the whole truth, either, so you might want to put in more reason for her doing it.
You want to make a chapter about Mair's night in the woods...it wouldn't have to be a whole chapter. You could just make it a somewhat extended scene at the end of chapter 1, or refer to it near the beginning of chapter 2.
"He had slept well, as well as an excited young person who had gotten their house burned down, met a dragon, made a dission that would change their life and was sleeping outside for the first time could." I don't know. I sure wouldn't sleep well in the same circumstances, and Mair doesn't strike me as someone who can just forget either, despite the narrator's comments to the contrary in the first chapter (which also seem to go against Mair's real personality as we've seen it). Also--why did she say she was from Lennu? Has she been there? If she hasn't, she might run into someone who has and get caught in her lie. And please, tell us what "seven sicurs" mean. I inferred from the first chapter that Mair's about my age, since her friends are all married, but we don't know for sure, and if you're going to use a different numbering of years, you should probably tell your readers. Actually, it'd be nice to know for sure how old they all are...Siarl seems too young for the army, actually.
Different spelling of Linenie...depends on how it's pronounced. You could do Lineni or Linneni.
What's the stuff with the Sea Longing? Will it be important later on? The description of it is very good, but if it's not important to the plot (or to making the world more believable), you might want to cut it.
The tickling fight and Jaethes' teasing of Siarl was quite funny... You should probably refer to Jaethes by his last name, though. That just feels more...realistic.
Okay, the Erwan scene. I'm not really sure why Mair got so freaked out...I would assume she's met nasty people before. Maybe she hasn't, but if that's the case, you should probably make that clear. Also, those insults...this is fantasy, and the country in which it takes place has its own language. Therefore, make up some bad swear words that don't mean anything in our language and let your characters use them as they will. Or don't even use swear words--use some kind of real insult that readers will understand, like...well...instead of "Angaistie, Siarl!" Erwan could say "The Dragons take you, Siarl!" or something. And instead of saying "beloge" to Mair, he could really tell her "Helkith nothing! Go and die for all I care!"
Why is Siarl so antagonistic to Latures Onu? It doesn't really make sense. He must have a better reason than "I'm not made for your god"--that just doesn't hold up. He seems bitter, so that would work fine--something bad has happened to him and he blames Latures Onu, so let that be the reason. If he's only saying he's not made for this god because he doesn't want to admit the real reason, that's fine; you'll just need to make that clear later.
Well, anyway...I did like what you have so far. It seems like a good story...
10:11 PM|| 
